I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think I won the penis lottery.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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