We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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