I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
