its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
She told me I should be a condom model.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
