if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
