We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
