He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
