areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize