I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
