no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
