im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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