kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
