that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
