God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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