you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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