Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize