Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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