I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
