He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
