I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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