I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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