My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
