When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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