I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
