before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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