I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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