so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
