I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
