i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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