As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
