From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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