Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
