were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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