im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
