there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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