kristin has been a bad kristin
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
