i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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