You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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