I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
