I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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