the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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