I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
