he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
