i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
