does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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