I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
