Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Sponge bath it is.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
