Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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