who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
