Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
