i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
