I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
