So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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