just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
