sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
