I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
