I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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