I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
