Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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