i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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