Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you inspire me to be a worse person
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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