I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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